Monday, December 6, 2010

Iz haz toyz!

Do you remember my post a few months ago with an image of dyed wool? Well, this is what that wool has become, Mal's Pals! Gender neutral, animal hybrid, and non-determined story (if I can use that as a term?) toys. They excite me to no end, and all I want to do is make them!... and of course a little bit of me still wants to weave. So look for them in the spring, for I will be selling them to the child inside of you, or look for them in two weeks at the SENIOR COMMENCEMENT SHOW in station. They have turned into my thesis show, and will be for sale there.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

An artist in harsh conditions

Pray for Emilie Louise Gossiaux, over a month ago she was hit by a car while on her bike. Through news feds I found out that she is still in the hospital and able to speak now. She is unable to see though. This is very sad on many accounts. One reason why I post this on my blog is that this girl is a brilliant artist! and before the accident, had been through a lot. I met her when she transfered to my high school in '06. The reasons for her move was due to hurricane Katrina that hit New Orleans. She went to high school in the orleans aria at one of the top art high schools. She is now attending one of the top art colleges (Cooper Union), but instead of living the life of a normal college student she is in a hospital bed. Please prey for this amazing artist, and hope that she can get back on her feet once again.

Questions I ask after three glasses of wine

If artists constantly makes work that is a dissatisfaction to themselves, then why is it that we make a career out of unsatisfied things? How morbid is it to know that producing is satisfying but the final will never live its expectations? How do I enter into a career knowing my work may be better then the last, but will never be the best? This is the confidence I struggle to concur.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I am on paper

Yesterday I received a voice-mail from my mother saying my artwork was published in MICA's Juxtapostition. It was a great shock and a feeling of slight accomplishment. I had sent images of my work to the publisher way back in August, and my "deteriorated wine label" (the yellow weaving) got in! I am more proud of my work then of me; because I put this exact piece in a jurried show, and it did not get in. The chosen work for the show was mainly figurative. As we know my work is far from figurative forms. Subconsciously it represents the body. Therefor I am proud of my weaving, my baby, it has been published.

Here is the link to the magazine. I am on page 27, and a funny not Kevin Sherry is on page 25.

Friday, October 1, 2010

BaaBaa Black Sheep

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
One for my dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

I am noticing that children's rhymes have a lot of play on my life. Nursery rhymes often times will have a repeat pattern much like weaving. As I child I remember singing nursery rhymes all the live long day. Today I had the above rhyme stuck in my head (There could be a slight chance that I was thinking of this rhyme because I was dyeing and cleaning wool all day (shown in the above picture).). It is the interest in the repeat pattern in nursery rhymes that makes me love weaving. Nursery rhymes and weaving share repetition that my life seems to be comfortable with, and I am ok with that.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Calling all Generalists

Today I finally went down to the medical center and made an appointment for my nose. I don't know why it took me this long to get down there? I always said it was because I had no insurance, BUT I DO! I have the school's insurance!
Hopefully I will be able to answer the age old question, "why is it that you cannot smell," soon. Here is to luck that it is not a serious issue. Like a brain tumor or something.
I am not even concerned if it can be fixed... I actually don't know what I would do if I could suddenly smell. I think I am a little afraid of the sense now. I have coped with the fact that it is lost, but it is good to know why I lost the sense. So here is to knowing! Wish my nose luck.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Cheers to Excitement!

This weekend held much joy... mostly my smiles were for teaching peers how to weave. I was put in a one on one situation with two students whom missed the lesson on how to put their skeins on the loom. They were skeptical at first of the medium, but later had fun doing it and were excited about moving forward. Their reactions really mean a lot! The one student, and friend, I thought that she would hate the process, but she proved me wrong and ask that I show her the next steps to weaving. She and I were excited for the next move for the class.

I can't wait till the next student approaches me with a question about material, structure, and or content. On Friday and student and I were talking about the different possibilities in weaving, and she brought up a sample that I had made last semester. She was curious about how it was made and the possibilities that she could do with something like what I had done. I was more then happy to explain the depths of her new found interest. I am excited to encourage future students, and I am also excited to see what they will end up teaching me about me and my art.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

See With Your Eyes

Haystack showed me so much while being there and by not being there.
Those who follow may recall my recent trip to Maine to attend a two week art course at Haystack Mountain School of Craft. Before my arrival I knew there was more for me to learn then simple rope making and plating. Sure enough Haystack proved me right. I learned so much about myself and what I want to do while being secrete for two weeks.

One that couldn't hit me any harder over the head was "Mallory, your a perfect match to be a teacher!" Those whom I had only known for 24 hours were asking me if I plan on becoming a teacher after graduating. Once the class saw my potential they really pursued the question, as did I. I told them of the pondering thought in my head, and for the rest of the two weeks they insisted on me pursuing the idea. It was really nice of them. I miss that boost of encouragement. I miss that feeling of "I have taught someone SOMETHING valuable!" Though this feeling wont be lost for long, because I am a teachers assistant come Friday!!!

Haystack also broaden my horizon to the art world. All I knew before was the art world of NYC, Baltimore and those who's names have become "famous." I now have contacts and connections with those in Chicago, New Mexico, California, Canada and France to name just a few. All of which are amazing people to have met and now call my dearest friends.

On the work end of Haystack I am able to see new possibilities (ways to create the work and ways to look at work). It was good to have a new set of hands to teach me and a new set of eyes to see my work. It has fueled me to continue with my body of work and to pursue getting the work shown.

I am so lucky to have attended Haystack and to have been apart of its history.
*More will be posted later... but at the moment I am on the outs of my Internet connection.
come back for more about Haystack

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A U-Haul Full of Wool

A good family friend is handing me wool that he has saved for 5 years! I couldn't be any more excited to get back into the dye kitchen! Five years worth of wool... with a flock of 13 sheep! All a gift to me!!! All thanks to Jonny!

A little diddy behind this... the old farmer tells me he has a few bags that I may take. All I had to do was fetch it from where it was stored. I go into this thinking a few bags here and there with wool in the worst condition.

On the way to the barn I count the number of sheep. The total 13. Now, understand that earlier that week the farmer told me he had 9. You may ask where these extra 4 came from, but if you knew the forgetful minded farmer you would understand. Either way 13 sheep more or less... producing pelts for the past five years... = a LOT!

We arrive to the bags of wool, and there were just too many bags to count, and Jonny tells me he has more bags else where from prior years that I may have. He jokes that I will need a U-Haul to fetch it all back to Baltimore, but there isn't any joke behind this. I will!

I plan on getting back to Baltimore and start cleaning it right away!!! My hands are feeling way hot, and I need to get making making making!

Monday, August 9, 2010

It Happens For A Reason

Everything happens for a reason. I live by this phrase, and recently it has proven itself true. For instance Haystack! In order to understand this I need to start the story from the beginning.

In February (or maybe it was March) I decided that I would apply for two summer courses at Haystack Mountain School of Craft. This decision was made 20 hours before the deadline. I scrambled last minute to have the necessary papers. I completed everything on time by the grace of God, and in a few weeks I got the results. In a small envelope I was notified that I did not get into the school, but I was among the top to be considered. They were sorry.
I didn't let this put me down. After all I did decide this last minute. What was I expecting? Weeks later I received a phone call saying a spot opened up, but I wouldn't receive the scholarship I applied for. I figured it was meant for me to go, and I would find the means to pay... somehow.
Sure enough I would work for a month to gain the money to go. Today, only a week till the class, I was informed that I would receive a scholarship! A great amount that almost pays for the whole session.

This proves that everything happens for a reason. I am meant to go. I can't wait to see the true reason to why I am to be at this place. Am I to have a wonderful eye opener? Am I to create a new branch of work? Am I to meet someone that will help me in my career? Or am I to just meet? Or am I to just create? I am so excited! I can hardly wait!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Stars Alining and Gods Speaking

Becoming a teacher has been a small thought brewing in my mind recently. Being a teachers assistant in the fall for a weaving class has kindled the fire. Along with reading "Thinking Through Craft" has made me think of ways that I would teach and the assignments that I would give.
While working the other day at the country club, Mariza (whom I call my second mother) asked me what I was doing with my art (she can never really understand what it is that I do, thus she asks me every year). I told her that I was thinking about becoming a teacher for college level students the craft of art. Her eyes brighten and her smile grew. She told me that she always thought of me as being a teacher. She saw the way I handled the kids and the members we serve and thought my actions were a perfect suit. I then became happy that my second mother thought that this path was good for me. My real mother also has mentioned me becoming a teacher, but she is always mentioning career paths that I should take.
All in all I am really excited for the class I am taking up in Maine, and I am ecstatic to be a T.A. within a month. Here is to an exciting future!

Life of an Artist

It is a funny thing to call oneself an artist. When announced the common thought is that they sit and paint all the live long day, but an artist is much more then just the act of creating.
An artist to begin with is a creator, but also an informer and an self-employer. An artist creates upon a reaction towards a pestering thought. The final product is to give directions to someone elses thoughts. Creating fulfills my personal legacy. All of creating is just a small window into an artists life and career. To bring life to the work, to give it respect, the artist lets it breathe by allowing the public to view it. In order to let it be in a space the artist much search for the proper atmosphere for it to live in. This leads them to do research, mingle, and travel just to find the right corner of the world that will give the work the proper respect that it deserves.
In all an artist maybe creating 60%? of the time (maybe less), and the rest of the hours are filled with doing research, exposing oneself, and informing the public of themselves and the work produced.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Heart Craves to Create!

Upon reading "The Alchemist" I realized my personal legacy. My heart all summer has been craving to weave, to paint, to CREATE! I have had cravings in the past to make art, but nothing like recent. My eyes, my mind, my hand, my SENSES all have been wanting to be creative, but I haven't allowed it. All because I either didn't have the facility to do it, or I was traveling some where. Reading the Alchemist though made me realize that if you don't listen to your heart your heart will stop specking to you, and soon an unhappy life will be lived. Luckily I only have a few days left working at the country club, and then I can dive into fulfilling my personal legacy. Working on making art!
As an artist who is always questioning things. I asked myself "if manifesting makes my heart happy, why is it that I create decaying objects?" Pondering the thought all day and pulling out past thoughts about work; I realized that I choose this because it reminds me that to be grateful for the small things. Things like time, senses and the material things that we do posses.
The stars are alining so that my personal legacy can be fulfilled. Chrissy Day has told me "to do whatever it takes to keep your art alive." This has stuck with me ever since she said it, and after reading the Alchemist it is going to stick with me even more. Do whatever it takes to fulfill your personal legacy. Thus far in my life I have been given the tools and the know how to create anyway I choose. I just need to create from here on out.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Roles of an Artist


More will be explained later.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I Present to You an Artist

Portugal weaving artist Magdalena Abakanowicz caught my eye today while I was reading "Thinking Through Craft," and I think she can be appreciated by everyone. Here fiber work transcends the language to knowledge about fiber. I recommend just looking at her resume (if you don't like her work)! This woman wasn't messing around with her career. Here is a teaser 9 (that is NINE) Biennials'! I am just going to sit in awe over her work for awhile and take it all in. I am left speechless, so I have no words at the moment relating her work directly. I hope my followers take a look at her and enjoy.
Click HERE for her website and HERE for her weavings.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A discussion to help one leads me to help myself

I have spoken about my brother being a world traveler before and how he is taking photos and writing along his way. Now that he is back in the states he is having to edit what he wants to show on his up-coming website. I had the honor tonight to discuss with him about his work.

I can see how he struggles with editing his photos. For one he has many talents, so the way he lives his life is reflected in his photographs. As we were scrolling through many photos of all different people and places I realized that he is capturing the life, the moment, of a person or place that tells a story. I see much of my own work with in his. We both are stopping time interpreting it in our own ways.

It was a long run in a circle with him, as with talking with any artist, because he kept wanting to show me more and more pictures he had taken. (This I have come to find is because they know not how to speak about their work, because they don't know why they make what they do.) What we came up with was that he takes pictures that stress a story. Certain buildings stress a language with the ware-and-tare, certain faces have more of a story to tell (either a tourist or a working man), and the language of water against a surfboard.

It was awesome to see him hit the light bulb of yeah that's why I take the shots I do! It was worth the run around to be able to help him out so he can go in a direction with more meaning the next time he goes abroad. Helping him along with recent readings have lead me to ponder the thought of becoming a teacher of art.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Um I didn't realize the trip I am about to travel... Now that I have my license I am now driving up to Maine for my exciting summer course. What I didn't realize were the hours that I will be spending in a car... by myself...

I will give the low down.
The course ends on a Friday and MICA classes start up on the following Monday (or Tuesday... either way I have work on Monday in Baltimore, but need to be back ASAP to get my things out of storage). From Maine to Baltimore is 13 hours! I will be passing through 8 states in one day! Usually when this happens I am in the back seat sleeping. Now I know how my mother feels. OH! AND the car that I will be traveling in is a 1990 something Honda that only drives well on flat plains. So um yeah... that maybe my down fall?... knock on wood!

Now that I am thinking about the route I may just take my sweet time and stop in Boston. Seeing as I have never been. Maybe this will be more of a learning experience then what I have planed out? Who knows?

All I know for now is that I am going to start restoring my ipod for the trip with good music!... and maybe try out driving to Jersey most the way. You know test drive... it's only an 8 hour drive from North Carolina.

I Present to You a Website

Hehehe This website is great! I kinda want some prints from them. Hope you find it as entertaining as I did.
Click HERE to enjoy!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Success in Travel

A trip to Florida presented itself a few happy moments.
Witnessing nature at its best I saw dolphin swim close to 20 feet away from the sail boat I was on and a yellow boxed puffer fish that I could have caught with my hands it was so close and very adorable! Also seeing sea anemones and a herring. All brought me great happiness to see them while on a daily trip. This will always be the one thing I miss about Florida.

While exploring the intercostal I hoped to find a pretty sea shell that I could take back with me, and after a great search I found a spot loaded with conk shells! I searched for one that wasn't housing anyone and finally came to a success! It was huge! Bigger then my hands. And perfect for inspiration! On top of the shell was moss growing on top of it, but once you peered into the shell you saw the lushish shinny pink of the shell. Just wonderful for the idea of decay of a body.

Other then nature, I was able to see friends of the family and succeeded in finally getting my licenses! All in all it was a good trip for getting important things done. Oh my mother and I picked up my brother from Florida as well. Now we can finally say he is home from Costa Rica! Welcome Home Bro!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Newly Discovered

Hearing about the oldest shoe as I was drifting off I took note and looked up the information when I became more cognizant. Upon reading that the leather shoe began to harden when exposed to air I felt a connection to the story. As those who know my work know that decay is my main focus. This single show that was found was preserved for 5,500 years, and now that urban man has found it the shoe is rapidly starting to loose its "fresh" quality. The single shoe is being sent to either Switzerland or Germany where it will then be preserved and returned to Armenia to be displayed.

Upon reading the article I found out that it is NOT the oldest shoe, it is the oldest LEATHER shoe. The oldest shoe found was in a Missouri cave and the material is a woven plant fiber.

These were very interesting finds on a day I was feeling sick. I am glad that I over heard that, because earlier in the day I missed out on a weaving guild because I was sleeping. TISK TISK.
Anyway here are the sites to my findings.
Summery of the different types of shoes

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I am 22 going on 5

Today I got really excited to go to an art opening. I did the thing where it's like do I go right when it opens? Do I go in the middle, or towards the end? What's the best time for the best scene?
From work I went home and got ready and calmed my nerves by sitting at the dog park till I felt time was appropriate to head over. I have always worked this place up in my mind for gallery openings, because the artists are of major interest!

Here is the online version of what I saw in person.
Upon my arrival I saw that my timing was good. I looked around at the work and was shocked by the quality. The photos that I saw online prior weren't doing them justice. The actual size of the work and the quantity was comfortably tasteful. Mid browse of the gallery I noticed that the other artists at the opening were all above 35 (and 35 was maybe two couples, and then the rest near 50) making me feel like a five year old viewing such an unfathomable thought like black holes and ant hills. This made my comfortable feeling quickly turn to an overwhelmingly unease feeling. Thinking how am I to goto art openings and network if I am a minnow in an ocean. Or more simply how am I to net work if I don't grow a back bone and make myself present (of course this didn't come to thought till I was homeward bound).

I finished perusing the works and even went back and did a double take to a few. I even flipped threw a few books that were published that had his work plastered within. All this just to stall my departure (ok, not just! I also did it to educate myself with nicely crafted work. Also to see if any other people would come into the gallery). Then I ran. Ran out of the emerging artist gallery and went straight home.

My experience with this opening was not what I had hoped. I didn't get what I wanted out of it, but got a surprise and ended up learning something that I wouldn't have guessed to learn. which is that I cannot begin to call myself an emerging artist if I don't grow a back bone. Going to the opens wont cut it, applying to galleries wont cut it. You have to present yourself, and know how to do it well! This is just another thing I am tacking onto my summer in order to learn more and develop myself to become that better person/artist.

But Ps. i thought of Chrissy Day and how she should show with him! Look into his work Chrissy

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Sketchbook Project

While doing research for places to place my work I randomly ran accross this traveling show case of sketchbooks.
The idea is really awesome! You send them a shout saying you want to be apart of it and then they send you a sketchbook in the mail. You then fill it up with what ever you may please and send it back to them. The only requirorment is that whe the book is closed it stays the same size you got, and it must be returned with a change to the book (meaning it can't go back to them the same way it got to you).

The show travels around the country with all the other sketchbooks and you can view it via barcoade. One apparently can choose to sell their book if they please.
This really is exciting!
I may just do it as a summer project?
To find more information or to be apart of this you can visit their web by clicking the link below.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Scavenger Hunt

Today was like a scavenger hunt. Searching for a book lead to finding a wonderful artist that lead to a kick ass gallery.
I think I should share all!

The book was recommended by Amazon when I order thinking through craft, so I checked it out. The book is called "By Hand: The Use of Craft in Contemporary Art" by authors Shu Hung and Joseph Magliaro. The book may be interesting. I mean it shows some awesome artists, some that I knew prior and some new ones which lead me to artist Kristen Hassenfeld.

Her work is fantastic! Room filled installations with paper made sculptures. The work is decoration that is being decorated. Almost like a decorative decay of beauty. She has shown in multiple galleries both in solo and group exhibitions. While I was searching her past path of showings I found Rice Gallery in Houston, Texas. They show other amazing artists that fill the space with wonderment.

Check em out
By Hand: The Use of Craft in Contemporary Art
Kristen Hassenfeld
Rice Gallery

Sunday, May 16, 2010

the comfortable and the familiar

I get stuck in what I know is comfortable to me. I feel its perfections and I dismiss the flaws, but when the familiarity of that comfort gets changed by the simplest rupture of news, information, or realization then it turns into a problem. The hole that I created for myself meant for comfort then turns into a pit of despair.

Why is it that I am so ready to allow cloth to never be whole, but find myself weeping for relationships to mend. When I am creating holes in cloth; am I really just waiting to try to mend? Am I really trying to heal and keep things together instead of breaking it and disrupting it? Even on that note, why have I left the biggest relationship (my extended family) fall into a non-existence. I know in my body it is failing the norm. I know my family is failing its previous expectations. I know this is discomforting and concerning, yet I have no answers.
I fight to feel whole, I fight to feel hope, but then I don't give just anyone that chance to experience that action with me. Past events have ruptured me making me start to fight for other relationships for all the wrong reasons. I need to stop fighting for familiarity and comfort and I need to start fighting for better reasons that I currently have no words to put to. I need to start looking at my weavings with the idea of RE instead of DE, because just as much as I want the cloth to fall apart I yearn to mend it back together.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

22 views and 2 votes

Apart of my venture to become known as an artist and to make a little money I became apart of an online art competition in Florida ( The deal is you post your work online and then it gets voted on by the public. It is just like Maryland's bakers arts awards... just less well known.

So here is my venture and my venture to those who know me. Go on this site and find work that you like (if you like mine it would be greatly appreciated if you voted) and vote. It will only take a few. Jurying goes on until July 30th, so you have time, but then after the polls get shut down and the winner becomes announced.
you can find me here

Now ya'll have seen my work, so get out their and tell me and the public whatcha really think.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Camping on a Beach Results of Finding Dinner

As some may have heard me speak about it before; my brother has spent the last year of his life in Costa Rica. Documenting the life as an artist he takes trips to nearby countries in order to compare life styles and to try out the waves for surfing.
This would have been a sight to see the butchering of the mantarays. Only because it is a skill to get the most amount of meat out of such a thin animal in such a fast amount of time. I am also amazed by the different textures of the mantaray. Don't get me wrong. I think I is a little sad to be seeing them lined up for dinner, but it is also a culture, and that is what they choose to eat.

So in my amazement of my brother's adventures I will sit in the the U.S of A. and wonder of all the stories he will tell me when he returns home. We miss him dearly! But I wouldn't want him back here for my selfish reasons if he is finding things like this because he is a beach bum.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The growth has begun in both mind and art. This was one of the most bipolar weavings to date. One day I would like what I was doing and the next not so much. Finally it was to the point where I could take it off the loom and saw that my weaving had a penis. Not what I wanted at all! In figuring out ways to fix it I flipped the weaving upside down and tucked the little guys behind the dowel rod.
Now I have a geographical piece again, and now I am the most excited parent of a weaving! This piece provided me with a lot of knowledge to how I want to direct my work. Making it as much of a piece of art as is a learning tool.
I am supper excited for my parents to see what I have been working on! My plan is to decorate my dad's tennis shop with some weavings, and maybe one of the club members will see them and then connections will develop from their. I cannot wait to go home!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Educational Venture

This summer I am going to fill it with research, reading, and networking. Thus far I have done well, and I am only in the first week of summer! It all started on Saturday when I made new connections and saw old faces at the Art Mart . One of which was Cara Obber, who is a very active artist and blogger. Running into her lead me to run straight to my research about finding places to display my work. Finding her blogs were of much help! It reminded me of the Maryland Art Place and the Baker's Art Awards. That I am sure to be doing when the time comes next year!
Which leads me to today, when I went to Barns & Nobles and failed at finding two recommended books, but found a guide on how to write artists grants (ironically something that I have been wondering about). Still in search for the books I went against my beliefs and ordered online.
So I must say that within the first week of the summer I am off to a good start, and I am very excited for my books to be found sitting on my door step.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Now presenting Mallory Steele

Within the past few days my writing style has picked up the form of a different hand. So, I though that I would welcome the intruder and invite him to write my artist statement. Here it goes.

Mallory Steele is an artist who has been bitten by the weaving bug. Rather than portraying traditional styles the work transcends the language of weaving and speaks the language of deconstruction and decay. Her infatuation with the reverse process goes deep into her senses that, in comparison to her work, are actively failing. The unstructured structures are compressions of time that begin to portray death and birth within the same breath. By letting go of what is expected by the norm she asks that the viewer look into the past in order to understand the present state of the work.

Also the words were able to form by the ability to discuss it to others for copious amount of time. I think I have been able to narrow it down to the "elevator statement." Thank you Chrissy Day!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Key to Something Bigger

I am moving out of Baltimore for the summer season, and as a result I have had to handle a few things before my departure. One of the biggest things I had to do thus far is give my copy of the Squidfire store key back to its proper owners. As I was passing it off I felt that I was ripping out a part of me that I felt should never have been removed. It is a triple blow. Leaving Squidfire, Jean and Kevin each has their own corkiness and history about them that I wish I could be around for much longer. I hope giving over the key isn't writing me out of their lives. Like I say I love them boys, but you really don't know how much you love something until you can no longer be apart of it.
Here I am separating myself from the store in hopes to move on, and at the same time in hopes to not be forgotten. It is difficult to let go of something that you are comfortable with and that you love. It takes more then just the act of letting go. It goes deeper, into the soul. The soul must depart along with the act. With that in mind I guess I never did let go. It isn't in me to let go of them, for now.

I guess now my thoughts about art will have to steer from deconstruction to the idea of letting go. Do they go hand n' hand? Or do they have personalities of their own? and how is it that the idea of deconstruction is a more comforting thought then letting go? How does one fight to keep what is desired? I have no answers. The answers lie beneath time, and in time I will know.

wind wind go away!

Yesterday was the Squidfire Spring Art Mart, and as much as I enjoyed the idea of another event it turned out to be a constant struggle all day. The struggle was a mutual feeling by all the booth vendors at the event. Starting at 9am and continuing until we left at 6pm we were feeling the blows of 40 mile an hour wind and the terrible economy.
(This was the "pose of the day" shot. Note: all the vendors are holding down a corner of their tent. (ps. pictures of me not standing in front of the merchandise will be coming soon.))

I did not do as well as I had hoped, but, as I keep looking at these events, it was a learning experience. And boy was it! Taking notes during the event I figured a few key things that are pertinent to being successful in the world of arts and craft. You would have thought that I would have had this all figured out in the December Holiday Art Mart, but I think I was too blind struck by being apart of the event that I didn't take in as much as I should have. Although someone who is just starting out in arts and craft business it is difficult to understand the ins and outs of the world. One booth vender that I spoke to it was their second season traveling in craft shows, and they were even telling me that they are still learning new things about the craft of selling. Of course Jean-Baptiste and Kevin have their craft to sell down, but they are even learning new ways to approach the art of selling. In this field of work I think I will constantly be learning new ways to approach the craft, art and selling.
I am very thankful that I was able to be apart of their event again. Even if it meant that my tent was lifted by the wind and was carried about three feet over, and had to stay on guard holding things down all day. I love them boys and I can only say sorry to all the vendors whom either had merchandise broken by the wind or had their tents broken by the wind. It is things like that that hurt more then not being able to sell anything.
(one story I must share about the wind though, and then back to importance) The ladies next to me had flimsy tent that they were using, and with the first good gust of wind it broke the one leg to the tent. Understanding this we decided it would be best if we tided each others tents together for extra support. I had gone out and gotten waits for my legs so all seemed to be well. Until around 2pm... when a gust of wind came and lifted all four of their legs off the ground starting to lift mine with theirs. I quickly grabbed the nearest leg that I could and the booth vendors around swarmed to help in point some seconds. That gust had mangled and tangled so bad that they had to take it down by breaking the rest of the tent to get it out of sight. About an hour later the vendor behind me had the same thing happen to her tent, just this time not that many were as quick on their feet. I was the first to see it be picked up, so I acted quickly upon the situation as others would follow suit. Sadly her merchandise were breakables and one of the legs form her tent hit it just so that half her merchandise broke. After that she took her everything down and went home. So here I must say thanks to those who were fast on their feet to help out fellow vendors, and here is to hopefully a better season.
All in all though I give props to Jean-Baptiste for picking such a fine selection of vendors. To put on such an event is difficult when the cards don't seem to go your way. Sorry that the weather turned out the way it did! Somethings one just cannot help.

And thank you again Squidfire boys for seeing potential in me and my work that you allow me to be apart yet another event! It means a lot to know that someone has faith in ones dream that they will help you as much they can to make sure the dream gets fulfilled. I hope we can experience more craft shows together in the future. As always love you boys!

Friday, May 7, 2010

new children

So i have had this new idea manifesting in my brain for some weeks now, and in the past few days I have put my thinking into action. Here are the results of my pondering.

During the time of thinking of the idea of birth and death and decay and the new I have been saving the scrap yarn from finished weavings. I knew that they could be put back into the weaving some how, I just didn't know at the time. Then it recently hit me; a technique that I learned awhile back that brings my pondering full circle. I could take those pieces of scarp yarn and beat them down until they lose the hold of yarn and turns itself into pulp that can then be made into paper.
Unknowing of my new direction, I was forced to make sample weavings by Chrissy Day. That I soon found to be the perfect size for this idea of making a weaving that goes into a new being while in the process of destroying itself.
I am super excited that I pushed the idea out so quickly. Now I am just on the search to find the means to do it during the summer

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sneek Peek

Here are a few of the scarves that will be sold at the Squidfire May Art Mart. I am powering threw and constantly making, so it looks like I wont have to worry about having an empty booth. Sunday I am making paper that will then be used for pages of books that I will also make and sell at the market. Among scarves and books I will also have natural dyed yarn and rugs for sale. A variety that will sure to show me some ins-and-outs of what people want and are interested in.


These are scarves that I am making using a shibori technique. Before the scarves are released from their tight laces I take photos of them. Here are two scarves interacting making a tangled mess.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It is official!

I will be one of the vendors at the Art Mart in May! Hope to see some friendly faces. Updates on progress prior to the show and what I will learn will be coming.
Ps isn't the poster so cute!?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This is the straightest I have ever woven! It is so shocking to me that at 120 inches in the cloth is the same width on both ends. It is almost like a computer is cranking out the fabric, but no it's just me.
I am super excited for the May show to come! Another learning experience around the corner. I am sure the cloth will impress buyers!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

And A Boom Sha-Lacka He's walking Over To Me

YES! I am blessed to have another round of Squidfire Art Market! This time in May. Meaning different merchandise must be made, summer merchandise instead of winter. I have this in the bag though!
I am so excited! I haven't felt this excited in awhile, I thought I had lost the thrill, but no it still lives!
More updates will be given at a later moment. All that is known to me is that it is May 8th in Fells Point.
I must give my thanks again to the wonderful boys at Squidfire for having so much faith in what I do. It brings much joy to my life and practice!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It had to be done

Seeing the Dandelions on the hill were too tempting to pick. As a result of there teasing Katie and I went out and picked a pounds worth of the flower. They are soaking now in prep for a dye bath tomorrow. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

As much whole as it is a hole

While experimenting with new techniques at the loom I tried to make a hole. Here is my success. 
I plan on making this a big part of my work. Seeing as it is a form of deterioration but also a form of being whole. 

Triple Cloth

I mentioned a few weeks ago that triple cloth pick-up was concord with the help of a friend Natalie. Here is the result of the discovery. It was a great learning experience and since then I have figured out double cloth with a pattern. Both are samples at the moment, but I do plan on pursuing double cloth with a pattern in my next weaving. Images will come soon.
Above is the double cloth with a pattern, and below is triple cloth pick-up

Monday, March 29, 2010

Forcefully Removed

Active Failure and forcefully removed have been the two things on my mind recently. Some reason "active failure" is more comforting to hear then "forcefully removed." Reasons being... maybe the scenarios that fall behind the meaning of being forcefully removed I know wont be coming back. They seriously have no chance of coming back. They have been forcefully removed from my life. You can't bring back death, a worn out relationship or withering relatives. While active failure has been something that I have known for awhile. It has been something that I have been struggling with and coping with for some years. In the long run active failure took time to get used to and to think that being forcefully removed may have to be the new acceptance well I think I am afraid. No I am afraid and scared.  

Friday, March 19, 2010

the Six Days Before Birth Song

Six days before birth
written by me
and sung by me

on the fifth day before birth my true love gave to me
5 new relatives
4 fat pancakes 
3 times broken up
2 gay lovers
and one return to home!

Six days after being born
Spoof off of the Six days before birth

on the second day of birth my true love gave to me 
2 sick loved ones
3 hours of class
4 friends surprising 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Ahhhhhhh the white weaving is finished and just in time for senior thesis. It is hard to tell at the moment if it is successful, due to the fact that I don't have a wall big enough to hang it on... but when the structure is built and all is said and done you bet pictures will be posted. And the final verdict will hopefully be a successful weaving. 

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Ready, Set, and Fail!

Test taking has never been my forte, and there have been way too many of them this past week. I took my last one tonight, and it wasn't a pretty sight. I study I do, but the white sheet and the blank answers overwhelm me and I freeze.  

Theme song much?

Spring break couldn't come soon enough!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Mr. Golden Sun

The sun is so bright it is blinding. It comes through my living-room windows and hits the shuffled papers on the floor. The brightness is burning my retina. Stepping in front of the window the light bounces off of my skin resulting in the same affect as the papers. Damn the sun is bright today. 


More mold in my shower. Now this is just sick! The one place that I want to see the whitest walls and cleanest floors are not so within my shower. Just sick!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Never Wake a Sleeping Tiger

I almost punched my "non romantic life partner" this morning when he woke me up at 9am by the click of the light switch. I am not a morning person, never will be. He hasn't experienced my mood in the morning till well today when I flew up from my pillow yelling "THE FUCK!" Reasons being we have just had different schedules... for about a year now. After yelling at him I realized why he was waking me up and felt bad. We continued to laugh about it on our way to the thrift store. 

Friday, March 5, 2010

Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker

I hate white today! White means hospitals and vets. White means death within some cultures. I hope I wont be seeing death soon. I really do pray he gets better! He is my bug-a-boo, my coop-de-loo, my moose and my little man. I hope he gets better! I really do!
Being so far away during a time that he is extremely sick is making me sick. I worry that he wont wake up after his long naps, and I worry that if he doesn't get better then my parents will put him to sleep. He is only 5! Why and how is it that he is seeing health issues of an elderly dog?
I hate the color white, and the idea of deteriorating! I really wish I was home! I really hope my boy gets better!

Oh and the fucking white in my ice cream that I bought out of desperation! 8 bucks for Edy's Ice Cream! No wonder people become alcoholics. Ice cream is cheaper then liquor. The hell.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Even when you think your "there," your not. You finish a piece then that piece generates other ideas that allow you to keep moving and making. You get to a point of conformability then things seem to stop moving. Progress seems to come to a halt. 
Today the chapter seemed complete, loaded with juicy words, written with the best flowing pen, but in reality the chapter hasn't even begun. 
Here is to an empty page. Yet again. 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Seeing Greater Than Great

Is it possible? Could it be done? Should it be done? These are the questions flying threw my head when thinking about the next Art Mart. The one I did in December was a great turning point, but hard to prepare for. Although now it may be possible that I could do another show in May. If Jean allows me to be apart of it I will truly be grateful. The May show is smaller then that of the December one, so if he allows me to take part I know that it is truly something that he sees me thriving in. To see that he has faith in me and my business means a lot, because he saw faith in Squidfire and has made it blossom. I now know that Kevin sees positive things spurring from my work, because he said so when visiting my studio. It caught me off guard what he said, yet I was flattered by it. 
I have something rolling here. I just have to figure out how to continue the motion. I am hoping Jean will once more push me a little bit further towards success.  

I See You!

After thioxing the yarn I cut the cross and saw that the original color was present in the middle. What does this covering of identification mean when the color can still be apparent. Something so minor that only I can see is triggering something inside about the meaning of decay, decompose, de... There is still more to be thought about for "de." I have a feeling that "de" could be a life long discovering process of what "de" means to me. 

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lightning Doesn't Strike Twice

Somedays you just don't have anything go right. Today was one of those days. Bad weather, bad health, bad test taking, lame weaving. 
Today I would say is blah! I can't have something exciting happen everyday. I mean dude come on. Although I did figure some fun things out on Patty-la-loom, so that will be fun to apply to the "white weaving."

Monday, March 1, 2010

White Mold is Back!

While cleaning out the fridge I came across a container that I had stored pumpkin pancake mix in. Upon throwing out the mixture I caught a glimpse at mold that was forming on the rim. It reminded me of the olden days, and that of our health. So sorry roomies for any mold caused by me, but thank you random for fond memories. 

New Chapter

Waking up to the sound of the first birds cherping I see that I am in a bed that is not my own. The returning birds and the arms of a man lets me know that a new chapter is about to be written. I am ready for spring.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Figurings: both in Art and Relationships

Ah Friday and Saturday you made my week.
Both days were like seeing light. A bright blinding light.
Friday and Saturday I wove, and figured out triple cloth with the help of Natalie. Saturday night was filled with good people and great music. The rest of the night I spent it with one that makes me smile the most. My smile will continue to stay and continue to grow. 

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Black Hole of Color

White is the absence of color. It is like a black hole where color goes and can never be found. Snow is like a black hole. It lands and covers everything so that the objects can no longer be recognizable. You have been sucked into a world of white. Like a coloring book. You just have to get out there and color your world again. 

Thursday, February 25, 2010

old work

It is about time that I put up an image that has been inspiring me to focus on deteriorating while weaving. This is a weaving I created last semester. Looking at layers and how time can show the span of a life's story was what was intriguing. I chose a double cloth weave which naturally has layer in the structure of the weave. Breaking the threads and reconnecting them at a later point allowed the weathered look to come through the cloth. 
This small weaving has given me great vision. One that is inspiring the work for my thesis show. 

Guarding Angel

I am thanking every star, blade of grass, and person that walks by today! Somewhere my guarding angel is looking after me, and I thank everyone who has given me there all and support towards my future. I have been gratefully touched by there kindness!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Smoke means trouble

Ah what have I done this time? Talk about watching my back! ha! I didn't see this one coming. I should have expected it though. My advisor is not good at advising. Now I am choosing to do something very competitive and difficult for me in order to graduate early. It seems as if it may end up turning into smoke. Which I will then have to resort to sending smoke signals... so watch out things maybe going up in flames soon and not my read hair. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Death card

I was looking at a blank page. Thinking about blank really. Then I decided to read my tarot cards.
The first card I pulled was the death card (Usually doen't mean a good thing or can mean a beguining) and then eight of swards (also not good). Not digging where they were going I put them away, but later went back to them. I pulled the knight of swards, ace of cups, queen of cups, and the page of wands. Now these were looking better.
Today I look after myself. Whatch what is going on around me and make sure I am ahead of the game.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

1 New Text Message

You know that feeling you get when you hear bad news and your heart seems to stop beating for a moment, your blood seems to stop flowing, and you get light headed and almost faint on the spot. Yeah that feeling. Had it at 2 in the morning. All should be fine. It is the fact that she is many states away with no way of contacting her, except through her phone (which is off at all the times it shouldn't be), that makes the whole thing worse. The few words I received were scary. Although after making sure it wasn't as sever as she made it seem, it lessened the blow. 
I am still worried, but know she is a big girl and can handle what ever gets thrown at her. Yet I still worry.

Woven Braid Example

I finally got back on Patty and finished the sample that I had posted about a few weeks ago. I am satisfied with the out come. It is not perfect, but it is something completely different to all past weavings. The sample has a reforming quality (which reforming has qualities to that of deterioration). Where this sample will take me... I am unsure. For now though the sample is complete. 

Here is how I attached the separated strips

   And here is the sample off the loom

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Today I lived in such a bubble that I almost forgot to come down. Going back to work for Squidfire and then a date afterwards felt so comfortable. It was as if every worry just melted away and I was left in this fantasy world. 
I would compare it to staring at the sun for too long. You get hypnotized and continue looking.If you look the sun too long you get high (apparently it enhances the endorphins). Once you get out of the trance you realize how bad you have burned your eyes. 

Friday, February 19, 2010

Step Back

An overcoming feeling of depression hit me today. I know it has to do with the weather! There is no other reason for me to be depressed. I have not conformed to this chilled way of living, yet, but I plan on making it work. It has to, because if not then I have to move to a warm climate where my phobia of lizards reside. I have never seen a winter as hard as this, and if I see another snow flake in the following months I will put up with the sight of a lizard and fly to be in a warm climate. 
Today is anti-white. Well more the evening. When I had to go home all bundled up in the cold. I hate the cold today and I hate the snow. I hate being "the pale kid" as my brother would call it. I miss color, I miss sand, and I miss home, but where is home? Home is where the heart is, so where is my heart today?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Fast as Light

Today I finished a sample weaving. It was only on the loom for a total of 24 hours (that is just it being on the loom, not me working on the loom. The amount of time that I was working was about 8 hours). It may just be a sample, but I was not thrilled at the end. It ended so quickly. The only thing I got out of the sample was the understanding of mixed material. No high, no excitement, no inspiration. Nothing.

So I was disappointed and went back to thinking about decay (actually the route DE in general). DEconstruct, DEcline, DEteriorate, Decompose... in all the DE words REmembrance came up. Making me think about the act of doing again in all the descending ideas. Thinking about opposites. Going full circle, why was I upset with finishing it quickly? When it is done fast I get a high. Maybe all there was to gain from the weaving was the understanding of time and material.  

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Two Little Birds

Trying to dig to the route of why decay, overgrowth, and loss is an importance in my work I came to a halting discovery/ remembrance of the story 'Two Little Birds'. It was a poem my mom used to sing to us kids when we were little. Specifically when we were swimming. She would sit us on her lap and sing "Two little birds sitting on a hill. One named Jack. One named Jill. Fly away Jack. Fly away Jill. Come back Jack. Come back Jill," and we would swim off her lap and back to her for hours in the pool. 
(picture: my roommates memory of 'Two Little Birds') 
The importance of this is to this day I have a fear of being abandoned, and it may have something to do with my upbringing. I relied on others. I did not speak for the first few years of my life, because my brother would do all the talking for me. He knew what I wanted and would either ask or get it for me. I did not have to worry about communication, until our mother put a stop to the action. 
This need to follow others is something I do not want to do. I want to be able to rely on myself, yet I feel my upbringing may have hindered my ability to do this successfully. The two little birds allowed me to see at a young age that following was ok. When it should have been leaving is ok... mom is there for you to swim, fly, or run back to. I miss interpret this though. Jack fly away and Jill must follow. Jack comes back and so must Jill.

Other important discoveries about the connection to decaying is that of my body... well in some light is decaying. I no longer can smell, I have a weak pallet for taste, and my vision is getting bad. This worries me on a level. More so it depresses me now. I feel the world has some secret code that I cannot crack about smell. I used to know the formula, but no longer do. That is what disappoints me. If I loose another sense I will soon forget what food tastes like. Just like how I have forgotten what things smell like. That is why texture is so important in food and in my art work. I can still feel. That one is not going away, not yet at least. 

The most important decaying discovery is that of my old home. It started to go down hill when drug busts would happen in the neighborhood about three times a year (and that is being generous, and it was a small block). Then, when it came time to move out we rented from the buyer (our next door neighbor), so I could finish my senior year at the high school I was attending. The decay hit home, literally. The new owner would build a home right in our back yard. Invading my safety zone. Changing the layout of my childhood memories. The tree we used to sit on and eat oranges would no longer be there. The never used picnic table would lay in some dump somewhere, never to be used. The chicken coop would no longer have the potential of housing chickens, because the new owner built a house atop all these memories and future possibilities. Now when I go home it is usually just me going home. All siblings are grown and have different schedules. Making even holidays hard for us to come together because of jobs and responsibilities.

Summery... Decay is important because it is what I know. It is what I have to try to rebuild and what I have to try to accept everyday. Decay is an ending and a beginning. Decay is subtracting and a new. Decay is my muse.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Counting Sheep

Today I had planed to spend the whole day thinking about my epiphany from yesterday. Except for I had work and when I got there we had much to catch up on (due to having to close from the snow). Little to say I didn't get to think at all about my epiphany. There was so much work to do that I tired myself out. So I napped. Then went to class.
So today I didn't get far thinking about art, or much of what white may mean or what deconstruction may mean to me, but I did get to count sheep. So today I rest, and will be ready to have a full fledge of thoughts to myself tomorrow. 

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Epiphany

Why this intrigues me so much, or how it connects to me (beyond the white project), is that its structure is something that is  falling apart (melting), it is becoming (ice), it will no longer be what it used to (snow), yet what lies behind will soon be what it once was (a brick wall), but not for sometime because it is snowing, again. The snow will cover the skeletal structure that is holding it up allowing only a white blanket to be shown. In some cases the growth over an object can be so damaging that the growth consumes it to a degree that the core subject is no longer recognizable. It is only known to be the overgrowth. Which in time can even damage itself. Deteriorating what it is holding onto while it deteriorates itself. 

Sunday, February 14, 2010

White is the New Black

So Valentines Day, riiiiiiiight. Yeah so spent the evening with my valentines, and we celebrated it. The two people who don't do "valentines day" were valentines. It was cute, he surprised me with flowers, with his twist on it (meaning the flowers were potted, LOVED) and he even wore a tie! He dressed up! so I felt bad dressing the way I did... I mean the girl should one up the man right? Well I totally slacked. He thought I looked nice anyway though. After dinner was a shot at the movies, which failed due to EVERYONE ELSE BEING THERE. It worked out for us though. We went back to his house and watched 'Peter and the Wolf.' Oh and the end of the Olympics which lead to interesting topic conversation afterwards. Good conversation of course until I fucked it up. Yeah way to kill it Mal. Way to Kill. I know that what was said wont end it though... I mean it was just misunderstandings of words, really. 

Today I would say is the clearest of all days. Everything was put into perspective. My ducks were lined so to say and then I killed it. I killed the duck, and I made it muck. I made the most cliche day turn sour. Go Me.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Finally I See him

As the weaving family may know I am back together with an ex. The snow had postponed many dates, but we were finally able to get together to spend a day of doing some random things together. Things that we have never done together before. The Book Thing, Thrift store shopping... and topped it of with what we know best, sushi!
So today I would say it is like the sushi that we had. You take a roll of something that you know you will like and a roll that is daring. Each time you know nothing can go wrong with white rice, soy sauce, and wasabi. 

New Recording Series

Just like the first weaving project I have to focus on a subject for 30 days and make a weaving based off of my gatherings of records. Last time I focused on an object, mold, this time I am focusing on a color, white. Not necessarily the object that have white, but more of the phycology behind the meaning of white. For example white can mean purity, cleanliness, new beginnings, or even in some cultures death. 
For this project I will focus on what happens during my day. Figuring what is pure or new or what is white. Each day after analyzing my tracks I will write about it and post an image if it seems necessary  for further explanation or clarity. 
As for the art I plan on taking scraps and cut offs from past weavings for the weft. Giving texture to the cloth. I also plan on taking the dyed yarn and retracting the color from it by using bleach or thiox bringing it back to a white tone.  

Experimental Weaving Leads to Places

I decided to try some new techniques on the loom recently as a resulted I found unexpected out comes. The first technique I tried was a woven shibori, which is a technique used to resist dye in a dye bath after the fabric has been woven. The resist lines are floats woven into the pattern so when everything is finished being woven the floats are pulled tight, and once the fabric is dyed the resist lines are then taken out I have not gotten to the state of dying yet, because while I was pulling the resist lines I discovered something that the cloth was doing that I had not expected it to do. The cloth started to curl. Evidence below.

I continued the process of pulling the lines while taking photos as I went. The structural aspect that it was giving me was something that I was hoping to discover within weaving. I never would have expected it to come from this process. Now that I have tapped into some possibilities I am going to go further into the sculptural aspect of this technique. The dyeing part of this exercise I have not yet forgotten. It will come in time. Now this is what I have to play with.

Thinking about playing with the possibilities of shape with a weaving; I took on another experiment. This time I would play with the shape while it was still on the loom. Using 10/2 bamboo I soon discovered my excitement for this weaving was not as inthralling as prior weavings. Maybe it was the size yarn, or the fact that this takes 10 times longer to weave it because it is like weaving six weavings at once. 
The idea was to separate the weaving while it was still on the loom. Once the weaving had enough inches on it I would then undo the tie up of the back beam and re-thread it so that the strips would cross one anther. Giving it a braided effect. 
This has not yet been completed, for once I got to the crossing point I ran into some technical weaving problems. Once I get over that hump the weaving will continue. In the mean time here is an in process photo. 

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I have no title. the words speak for themselves.

I just read a blog that was very insightful to what is going on in a friends life, my life and others. I will not share the post because I feel it is not appropriate to share.

I will say the title was "The Art of Mourning." And it had to do with the unfortunates that come with life, and how one over comes these pains. The pains could be the pain of death of a loved one, pain of abandonment, pain from failure or a loss in general (Now the pain talked about in the blog was the pain of mourning of multiple loved ones deaths that seemed to happen too close to one another).

This post was important to me because it brought light to those that I care about immensely (the one who posted and someone I had been involved with recently). I still care about him and feel like I always will. But I know that being with him wont and can't happen again. The first time the relationship ended I didn't understand, but he later came to me explaining all that was going on and why he had to end our relationship. Surprisingly I understood, and we got back together. Only when weeks past he broke it off again for the same reasons as the time before. This time I thought I understood, but was still hurt (maybe more so then before, no defiantly more hurt then the first time). The reason why I say I thought I understood is because I read the post "The Art of Mourning" today which put everything into perspective! (Also I think watching the TV show 'Brother's and Sister's" help prep me for thinking and relating the situation to him).

The reason I am writing about this is because my art work has a lot to do with relationships I have with people and places (before it used to be the relationship (or lack there of) with my mom. Now I realize it is more to do with relationships in general). The post I read put a lot of clarity on a situation that surprisingly was still in a haze, and I understand now will be an unclear situation (not on my end really but his).

What I took away from what I read (and a quick lesson that everyone else should take) is that life happens. Everyday. Everyday we know another day will come, even if it doesn't have us or our loved ones apart of it. Things happen to you, they happen, and you have an experience with them. The losses that come to us we must come to terms with, at some point, and let the change be apart of us, of you. That you cannot hide from change. It will happen no matter how hard you try to avoid or ignore it. The rate of accepting change varies due to the type situation and how the person wants to handle the situation. Or better yet how they CAN handle the situation. Understanding that change is apart of life will allow us to get back to living.

I realized also while reading the post, and evaluating other situations, that no one can help you. You have to be able to recover yourself. Key words may help ease pain or realize something that needs to be done, but in the long run you are the one who can truly understand if the situation is ok. The one who posted "The Art of Mourning" was told that "one of the most therapeutic things you can do is to have a good cry in the car." It wasn't crying that made the pain okay, but the realization that hiding the tears in the car was something much deeper than what it seemed.

The relevance of this to the guy I had been involved with is that he is still recovering from every plunder that has happened within his life that has brought him to his sadden state of being. He is saying he is "okay," but really it is like a record he presses that he plays when someone asks him how he his doing. The real response wont come until he truly has time to understand what it is that will make him better. At the moment he knows he needs to get better, but I know with everything that is happening in his life he is not able to really focus on what needs focusing. Which is himself.

What we all need to take away is that death will happen, depression will happen, it is apart of life, it makes us stronger, you just have to find the right ways to recover and move on, because by the end of the day you still have to live your life.