Sunday, May 16, 2010

the comfortable and the familiar

I get stuck in what I know is comfortable to me. I feel its perfections and I dismiss the flaws, but when the familiarity of that comfort gets changed by the simplest rupture of news, information, or realization then it turns into a problem. The hole that I created for myself meant for comfort then turns into a pit of despair.

Why is it that I am so ready to allow cloth to never be whole, but find myself weeping for relationships to mend. When I am creating holes in cloth; am I really just waiting to try to mend? Am I really trying to heal and keep things together instead of breaking it and disrupting it? Even on that note, why have I left the biggest relationship (my extended family) fall into a non-existence. I know in my body it is failing the norm. I know my family is failing its previous expectations. I know this is discomforting and concerning, yet I have no answers.
I fight to feel whole, I fight to feel hope, but then I don't give just anyone that chance to experience that action with me. Past events have ruptured me making me start to fight for other relationships for all the wrong reasons. I need to stop fighting for familiarity and comfort and I need to start fighting for better reasons that I currently have no words to put to. I need to start looking at my weavings with the idea of RE instead of DE, because just as much as I want the cloth to fall apart I yearn to mend it back together.

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