Breath

Ahhhhhhh the white weaving is finished and just in time for senior thesis. It is hard to tell at the moment if it is successful, due to the fact that I don't have a wall big enough to hang it on... but when the structure is built and all is said and done you bet pictures will be posted. And the final verdict will hopefully be a successful weaving. 

Ready, Set, and Fail!

Test taking has never been my forte, and there have been way too many of them this past week. I took my last one tonight, and it wasn't a pretty sight. I study I do, but the white sheet and the blank answers overwhelm me and I freeze.  

Mr. Golden Sun

The sun is so bright it is blinding. It comes through my living-room windows and hits the shuffled papers on the floor. The brightness is burning my retina. Stepping in front of the window the light bounces off of my skin resulting in the same affect as the papers. Damn the sun is bright today. 

Tile

More mold in my shower. Now this is just sick! The one place that I want to see the whitest walls and cleanest floors are not so within my shower. Just sick!

Never Wake a Sleeping Tiger

I almost punched my "non romantic life partner" this morning when he woke me up at 9am by the click of the light switch. I am not a morning person, never will be. He hasn't experienced my mood in the morning till well today when I flew up from my pillow yelling "THE FUCK!" Reasons being we have just had different schedules... for about a year now. After yelling at him I realized why he was waking me up and felt bad. We continued to laugh about it on our way to the thrift store. 

Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker

I hate white today! White means hospitals and vets. White means death within some cultures. I hope I wont be seeing death soon. I really do pray he gets better! He is my bug-a-boo, my coop-de-loo, my moose and my little man. I hope he gets better! I really do!

Being so far away during a time that he is extremely sick is making me sick. I worry that he wont wake up after his long naps, and I worry that if he doesn't get better then my parents will put him to sleep. He is only 5! Why and how is it that he is seeing health issues of an elderly dog?

I hate the color white, and the idea of deteriorating! I really wish I was home! I really hope my boy gets better!

Oh and the fucking white in my ice cream that I bought out of desperation! 8 bucks for Edy's Ice Cream! No wonder people become alcoholics. Ice cream is cheaper then liquor. The hell.

Vanish

Even when you think your "there," your not. You finish a piece then that piece generates other ideas that allow you to keep moving and making. You get to a point of conformability then things seem to stop moving. Progress seems to come to a halt. 

Today the chapter seemed complete, loaded with juicy words, written with the best flowing pen, but in reality the chapter hasn't even begun. 

Here is to an empty page. Yet again. 

I See You!

After thioxing the yarn I cut the cross and saw that the original color was present in the middle. What does this covering of identification mean when the color can still be apparent. Something so minor that only I can see is triggering something inside about the meaning of decay, decompose, de... There is still more to be thought about for "de." I have a feeling that "de" could be a life long discovering process of what "de" means to me. 

Lightning Doesn't Strike Twice

Somedays you just don't have anything go right. Today was one of those days. Bad weather, bad health, bad test taking, lame weaving. 

Today I would say is blah! I can't have something exciting happen everyday. I mean dude come on. Although I did figure some fun things out on Patty-la-loom, so that will be fun to apply to the "white weaving."

White Mold is Back!

While cleaning out the fridge I came across a container that I had stored pumpkin pancake mix in. Upon throwing out the mixture I caught a glimpse at mold that was forming on the rim. It reminded me of the olden days, and that of our health. So sorry roomies for any mold caused by me, but thank you random for fond memories. 

New Chapter

Waking up to the sound of the first birds cherping I see that I am in a bed that is not my own. The returning birds and the arms of a man lets me know that a new chapter is about to be written. I am ready for spring.

Figurings: both in Art and Relationships

Ah Friday and Saturday you made my week.

Both days were like seeing light. A bright blinding light.

Friday and Saturday I wove, and figured out triple cloth with the help of Natalie. Saturday night was filled with good people and great music. The rest of the night I spent it with one that makes me smile the most. My smile will continue to stay and continue to grow. 

The Black Hole of Color

White is the absence of color. It is like a black hole where color goes and can never be found. Snow is like a black hole. It lands and covers everything so that the objects can no longer be recognizable. You have been sucked into a world of white. Like a coloring book. You just have to get out there and color your world again. 

Guarding Angel

I am thanking every star, blade of grass, and person that walks by today! Somewhere my guarding angel is looking after me, and I thank everyone who has given me there all and support towards my future. I have been gratefully touched by there kindness!

Smoke means trouble

Ah what have I done this time? Talk about watching my back! ha! I didn't see this one coming. I should have expected it though. My advisor is not good at advising. Now I am choosing to do something very competitive and difficult for me in order to graduate early. It seems as if it may end up turning into smoke. Which I will then have to resort to sending smoke signals... so watch out things maybe going up in flames soon and not my read hair. 

Death card

I was looking at a blank page. Thinking about blank really. Then I decided to read my tarot cards.
The first card I pulled was the death card (Usually doen't mean a good thing or can mean a beguining) and then eight of swards (also not good). Not digging where they were going I put them away, but later went back to them. I pulled the knight of swards, ace of cups, queen of cups, and the page of wands. Now these were looking better.
Today I look after myself. Whatch what is going on around me and make sure I am ahead of the game.

1 New Text Message

You know that feeling you get when you hear bad news and your heart seems to stop beating for a moment, your blood seems to stop flowing, and you get light headed and almost faint on the spot. Yeah that feeling. Had it at 2 in the morning. All should be fine. It is the fact that she is many states away with no way of contacting her, except through her phone (which is off at all the times it shouldn't be), that makes the whole thing worse. The few words I received were scary. Although after making sure it wasn't as sever as she made it seem, it lessened the blow. 

I am still worried, but know she is a big girl and can handle what ever gets thrown at her. Yet I still worry.

Step Back

An overcoming feeling of depression hit me today. I know it has to do with the weather! There is no other reason for me to be depressed. I have not conformed to this chilled way of living, yet, but I plan on making it work. It has to, because if not then I have to move to a warm climate where my phobia of lizards reside. I have never seen a winter as hard as this, and if I see another snow flake in the following months I will put up with the sight of a lizard and fly to be in a warm climate. 

Today is anti-white. Well more the evening. When I had to go home all bundled up in the cold. I hate the cold today and I hate the snow. I hate being "the pale kid" as my brother would call it. I miss color, I miss sand, and I miss home, but where is home? Home is where the heart is, so where is my heart today?

Fast as Light

Today I finished a sample weaving. It was only on the loom for a total of 24 hours (that is just it being on the loom, not me working on the loom. The amount of time that I was working was about 8 hours). It may just be a sample, but I was not thrilled at the end. It ended so quickly. The only thing I got out of the sample was the understanding of mixed material. No high, no excitement, no inspiration. Nothing.

So I was disappointed and went back to thinking about decay (actually the route DE in general). DEconstruct, DEcline, DEteriorate, Decompose... in all the DE words REmembrance came up. Making me think about the act of doing again in all the descending ideas. Thinking about opposites. Going full circle, why was I upset with finishing it quickly? When it is done fast I get a high. Maybe all there was to gain from the weaving was the understanding of time and material.  

Two Little Birds

Trying to dig to the route of why decay, overgrowth, and loss is an importance in my work I came to a halting discovery/ remembrance of the story 'Two Little Birds'. It was a poem my mom used to sing to us kids when we were little. Specifically when we were swimming. She would sit us on her lap and sing "Two little birds sitting on a hill. One named Jack. One named Jill. Fly away Jack. Fly away Jill. Come back Jack. Come back Jill," and we would swim off her lap and back to her for hours in the pool. 

(picture: my roommates memory of 'Two Little Birds') 

The importance of this is to this day I have a fear of being abandoned, and it may have something to do with my upbringing. I relied on others. I did not speak for the first few years of my life, because my brother would do all the talking for me. He knew what I wanted and would either ask or get it for me. I did not have to worry about communication, until our mother put a stop to the action. 

This need to follow others is something I do not want to do. I want to be able to rely on myself, yet I feel my upbringing may have hindered my ability to do this successfully. The two little birds allowed me to see at a young age that following was ok. When it should have been leaving is ok... mom is there for you to swim, fly, or run back to. I miss interpret this though. Jack fly away and Jill must follow. Jack comes back and so must Jill.

Other important discoveries about the connection to decaying is that of my body... well in some light is decaying. I no longer can smell, I have a weak pallet for taste, and my vision is getting bad. This worries me on a level. More so it depresses me now. I feel the world has some secret code that I cannot crack about smell. I used to know the formula, but no longer do. That is what disappoints me. If I loose another sense I will soon forget what food tastes like. Just like how I have forgotten what things smell like. That is why texture is so important in food and in my art work. I can still feel. That one is not going away, not yet at least. 

The most important decaying discovery is that of my old home. It started to go down hill when drug busts would happen in the neighborhood about three times a year (and that is being generous, and it was a small block). Then, when it came time to move out we rented from the buyer (our next door neighbor), so I could finish my senior year at the high school I was attending. The decay hit home, literally. The new owner would build a home right in our back yard. Invading my safety zone. Changing the layout of my childhood memories. The tree we used to sit on and eat oranges would no longer be there. The never used picnic table would lay in some dump somewhere, never to be used. The chicken coop would no longer have the potential of housing chickens, because the new owner built a house atop all these memories and future possibilities. Now when I go home it is usually just me going home. All siblings are grown and have different schedules. Making even holidays hard for us to come together because of jobs and responsibilities.

Summery... Decay is important because it is what I know. It is what I have to try to rebuild and what I have to try to accept everyday. Decay is an ending and a beginning. Decay is subtracting and a new. Decay is my muse.